Writing Paranormal Romance
So you're writing a paranormal romance piece of prose, and let's face it you've done your research, you've read such works as the Twilight Saga cover to cover until the book is nothing more than a collection of frayed pieces of illegible text.
This guide will establish your premise, possible titles, and whatever else I feel like jotting down.
Premise
Your first cement block of the tale, this baby'll say it all. Here are your choices, and no, you can't deviate from these suggestions.
Any species from lore + Romeo and Juliet = your book. That is literary all you need.
Romance
Romance is dead, if you wanted subtlety in a relationship then you chose the wrong genre, go read another book. No, don't go read another book, you're not fit for the world, pour your remaining time into mechanically engineering a contraption that enables you to jump up your own ass.
Any species works on a neolithic courting ritual, you see the person you're supposed to fall in love with and it happens instantly. There's no in depth analysis of their soul, that shit takes time to establish, you either fall in love at the drop of hat or you spend the rest of your days at home, in the dark, using your own tears as lubrication while staring at yourself in the mirror, right in the eye, until you reach a disappointing climax.
You disgust me.
Characters
Dudes
Flavour: Brooding, life is perpetually shitting in their cereal, they don't talk about feelings but boy do they have it all inside, it's like an emotional stew in there, if only there were someone who could taste test it, perhaps add some herbs and spices, a good chicken stock...
Women
Flavour: Innocent usually and smokin' hot to boot, basically, upon hearing their description and failing to gain wood on an instantaneous level, you have failed. They are also perfect, they do nothing wrong, have no flaws because they're for weak people, and she's all about the strength, yeah?
Wangst
So you find your significant other, and based solely on appearance you desire the strong urge to 'tap that', which manifests itself in bouts of jealousy, monologuing about the internal holocaust you're enduring, and if you feel like it, throw a soliloquy in there while your staring at the moon. When somebody asks if you're okay, your character simply goes like this...
"Montgomery could not tear her image from his mind, she had painted the walls of his brain in her memory, those eyes he wished to swim in, and boy, what an ass. She squatted in his psyche like a troublesome group of squatters. The man had asked them nicely to vacate the property, served them with the correct paperwork, he had stood in the queue to have it certified, but being a vampire, he always had to leave before the hall opened...
Someone entered the room, Murtaugh, his friend for years who was totally awesome nodded, he knew the man had problems, he'd seen that ass too, you could park a truck on that hump.
"Are you okay my friend?" Murtaugh asked, seeing the glassy quality Montgomery's eyes held.
Silence. A long silence, like, a mile long if he had to quantify it.
His heart contained so much pain, so, so much pain, god, so much pain, so, so much pain, soooooooooo muuuuuuuuuchhhhhhhh PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINN.
"...No." Montgomery replied, cursing the lies as they exited his sweet and pink mouth-hole."
You require a (male) protagonist, make them a vampire of some otherworldly beast, but they have to be easy on the eyes so here's some possible ways to describe them.
Skin
Alabaster all up in this bitch. "White" ain't gonna cut it, you know who you has white skin, communists, and you're protagonist is not one of them. Grab a thesaurus and roll up to page 231, or whichever page "white" is on, and find every synonym under the sun that describes white. Learn them, love them, but so help me god don't say white or I will find you, I don't know the particulars of how, but one day you'll be walking your dog or reaching into the cupboard for a can of soup and BOOM, I'll pop out of the space under your sink and drop-kick you in the facial region.
In a sentence
"Montgomery's ashen skin conjured images of virginal lakes, time froze, and my mind danced around the possibility that one day he dared to play Hacky Sack with my womanly parts."
Titles
Mix and match these choice words for you title, they are guaranteed to ensnare your reader.
This guide will establish your premise, possible titles, and whatever else I feel like jotting down.
Premise
Your first cement block of the tale, this baby'll say it all. Here are your choices, and no, you can't deviate from these suggestions.
Any species from lore + Romeo and Juliet = your book. That is literary all you need.
- Vampires
- Werewolves
- Faeries
- Humans
Romance
Romance is dead, if you wanted subtlety in a relationship then you chose the wrong genre, go read another book. No, don't go read another book, you're not fit for the world, pour your remaining time into mechanically engineering a contraption that enables you to jump up your own ass.
Any species works on a neolithic courting ritual, you see the person you're supposed to fall in love with and it happens instantly. There's no in depth analysis of their soul, that shit takes time to establish, you either fall in love at the drop of hat or you spend the rest of your days at home, in the dark, using your own tears as lubrication while staring at yourself in the mirror, right in the eye, until you reach a disappointing climax.
You disgust me.
Characters
Dudes
Flavour: Brooding, life is perpetually shitting in their cereal, they don't talk about feelings but boy do they have it all inside, it's like an emotional stew in there, if only there were someone who could taste test it, perhaps add some herbs and spices, a good chicken stock...
Women
Flavour: Innocent usually and smokin' hot to boot, basically, upon hearing their description and failing to gain wood on an instantaneous level, you have failed. They are also perfect, they do nothing wrong, have no flaws because they're for weak people, and she's all about the strength, yeah?
Wangst
So you find your significant other, and based solely on appearance you desire the strong urge to 'tap that', which manifests itself in bouts of jealousy, monologuing about the internal holocaust you're enduring, and if you feel like it, throw a soliloquy in there while your staring at the moon. When somebody asks if you're okay, your character simply goes like this...
"Montgomery could not tear her image from his mind, she had painted the walls of his brain in her memory, those eyes he wished to swim in, and boy, what an ass. She squatted in his psyche like a troublesome group of squatters. The man had asked them nicely to vacate the property, served them with the correct paperwork, he had stood in the queue to have it certified, but being a vampire, he always had to leave before the hall opened...
Someone entered the room, Murtaugh, his friend for years who was totally awesome nodded, he knew the man had problems, he'd seen that ass too, you could park a truck on that hump.
"Are you okay my friend?" Murtaugh asked, seeing the glassy quality Montgomery's eyes held.
Silence. A long silence, like, a mile long if he had to quantify it.
His heart contained so much pain, so, so much pain, god, so much pain, so, so much pain, soooooooooo muuuuuuuuuchhhhhhhh PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINN.
"...No." Montgomery replied, cursing the lies as they exited his sweet and pink mouth-hole."
You require a (male) protagonist, make them a vampire of some otherworldly beast, but they have to be easy on the eyes so here's some possible ways to describe them.
Skin
Alabaster all up in this bitch. "White" ain't gonna cut it, you know who you has white skin, communists, and you're protagonist is not one of them. Grab a thesaurus and roll up to page 231, or whichever page "white" is on, and find every synonym under the sun that describes white. Learn them, love them, but so help me god don't say white or I will find you, I don't know the particulars of how, but one day you'll be walking your dog or reaching into the cupboard for a can of soup and BOOM, I'll pop out of the space under your sink and drop-kick you in the facial region.
In a sentence
"Montgomery's ashen skin conjured images of virginal lakes, time froze, and my mind danced around the possibility that one day he dared to play Hacky Sack with my womanly parts."
Titles
Mix and match these choice words for you title, they are guaranteed to ensnare your reader.
MixUnchained
Unbridled Passionate Forbidden Forgotten Lustful Wanton Fearful Exiled Unquenchable Sensual |
MatchDesire
Love Lust Yearning Shadow Night Day Temptress Need(s) Power Craving Thirst Greed Hunger Sensuality Longing Urge |
